Here’s a little update on my life, in case you care :p
Last time I posted was about having no internet or tv for a week. So I was using my blacberry to access sites like twitter, tumblr, facebook etc. Well, my heart was broken when my blackberry, one of my favourite and most prized possessions, completely broke, affecting my sim card too, so my number is now inaccessable.
I’m also fataly ill, and for once, it’s not much to do with my ed. I’m seriously scared and my family’s completely fallen apart because of this whole situation. I have ridiculous amounts of drugs flowing through my veins. So much, that I’m sometimes behaving out of my own control. It just makes it that much worse that I’m unable to distract myself or talk to anyone.
I’ve never wanted my life to end more than I do now, and death is what I am praying to God for, each and every night. I don’t think he’s listening just yet, but I have faith that he will answer me one day. Hopefully soon.
Sometimes I look at thinspo and search for imperfections in the models.
“Her hair’s rat-like.”
“Her nose is too big.”
“She’s showing too much flesh. Slut.”
“She’s too ordinary looking.”
“She’s too different.”
Am I really that messed up and jealous? The answer, of course, is yes. And why shouldn’t I be?
Secretly, inside, I am praying for God to make me like these girls.
Moral of the story: even if I looked/became how I wanted, I would still find faults in myself, and hate them as much as I do now. So the question here is, will I ever be happy with myself?
No broadband for a week. Internet on my BlackBerry is not enough. And my job doesn’t start for another week. HOW WILL I LIVE?!?! Looks like a have a long, binge-filled week ahead of me. Crap.